When Jerry Met Ebony
by I Heart Thomas Brown
Summary: ... and every other bad OC in fanfictiondom. Tell me your favourite trollfic or badfic star, and see them meet Tara Gilesbie's Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, and Thomas Brown's Jerry of Christ. Includes OCs from "jo bel" and "imma wiserd".
1. When Jerry Met Ebony

**AN: This original story is a bit of an apology for slowed updates. I do not own any of the characters mentioned in this story, or the Harry Potter and Percy Jackson books. I do not actually think atheists are scum, all points of view belong to the character I am trying to portray. All spelling mistakes are purposeful to keep everyone IC.  
>For anyone who does not know, Ebony is the main character in My Immortal by Tara Gilesbie, no longer available in original form, but can be read reuploaded or with commentary. Jerry is the main character in Prayer Warriors: Evil Gods Part One by Thomas Brown, and a recurring character in all his other stories. Tommy-boy's Prayer Warriors series is available either on his profile, BelieverInChrist, or with commentary on my profile, which is highly recommended if you want to read the stories with your sanity intact.<strong>

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><p>Jerry of Christ, a Prayer Warrior, stood in the middle of a small, impossibly hot room, wondering how he got there. Doing the only rational thing he could think of, he began praying.<p>

"Dear God I want to now were I am"

"I ting were in hel." said a toneless voice from behind him. Jerry jumped at the sudden noise, and spun on his heel. A pale girl, perhaps a few years older than Jerry himself, with colourful hair and revealing black clothing, sat crouched in a corner. Seeing all her bare skin made him nervous, and so he responded forcefully to cover it up.

"How dare you suggested that you stannic whore! It is impossible that God and his only begotten son Jesus of narrative would send me here!"

The girl gasped.

"omfg, liek, ho did u no I wuz a Satanist? r u a fokin sykic or sumthng?"

Jerry rolled his eyes, trying not to wince over what even he could tell was a sore abuse of the English language. "Everyone is either Christian or Satanic, aren ` t they?"

Another gasp.

"omg, liek how culd u b so fukin stooped? dere r only us cool goffik pplz and da prepz and da posrz!"

"I know not of what you speak, whore, it must be some ungodly term. I shall check Conservapedia."

"der isnt any Internet axes hir. i chekd."

Jerry let out a choked gasp of frustration. Could it really be that God, his God, was forcing him to spend eternity locked up with this… this thing? What could he have possibly done wrong? Well, other than kill non-Christians, but that was all in the name of the lord! The world had to be cleared of all the atheist scum! It was his duty as a Prayer Warrior! Well, perhaps he _had_ done a few things he wasn't proud of, Jerry mused, as a flood of images entered his mind, images of every man he'd killed, every building he burned down, every corpse he'd urinated on. With those images, a niggling feeling of doubt settled in his stomach. Could all those disgusting acts have really been in the name of God? Wasn't it Jesus who said to love every man, to live in peace? Could everything he and his followers had done as Prayer Warriors… have been sins?

Jerry fell to his knees and bowed his head.

"Forgive me god, for I hav sinned." Jerry muttered under his breath, tears streaming down his face.

"no shyt."

Jerry's head snapped up, anger knocking his earlier thoughts out the window.

"How dare you disturb a man in prayer, heathen!"

"my names nut hithen, its Ebony."

Jerry was stunned at the name, the name of the first female Prayer Warrior and his close friend.

"What did you say you name was?"

She straightened her back, and delivered her next lines like a memorized speech.

"Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic-"

"Alright, alright, I get it!" Jerry said, cutting off Ebony's tirade. He ran a hand through his close-cropped blonde hair and scanned the room again for an exit.

"omfg, u lik me!" Ebony gasped. Jerry really wished she would stop doing that.

" How dare you accuse me of such an ungodful thing! I am married, and-"

"evrbody luvz me! draco luvz m, vampire luvs me, evn snap and Lumpkin-"

Every little string of recently developed humanity snapped in Jerry. He couldn't possibly live like this for the rest of eternity. Something had to be done.

"Begon, you Stanic whore!" Jerry cried as he swung his sword, which had magically appeared out of thin air. Instead of sinking through Ebony's pearly white flesh, the blade bounced off her neck as though it were made of rubber.

"btw i am vampire so i cunt dy frm swords. i can ony die frm crosses nd steaks."

"But you have crosses in your ears write now!"

Just then a magical portal appeared, and a large mob, led by Draco Malfoy and Percy Jackson, came charging out. The tied them up, stoned them to death, threw the bodies out, and went to Hades' castle to celebrate their victory.

But in the joy of success, Draco and Percy had forgotten one thing- you can't kill the dead.

Jerry and Ebony are still out there, slowly sucking the life out of fandoms.

And you know what the worst part is?

It's impossible to stop them.

Hide your books, movies, and posters.

They are coming.


	2. and Jo Belle

**This idea has been buzzing around my head for a few weeks, so I decided to just go with it and see what happens.**

**Jo Belle is the main character in the fic "jO bekke at HUgwRts", available in its original form on her profile, "jo bel" or with commentary anywhere else.**

**Or did the original get taken down? I can't find it.**

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><p>"omfg, wat r u doin?" Ebony gasped, leaning over Jerry's shoulder. Jerry suppressed a disgusted shudder at her presence, and rolled his eyes.<p>

"I told you, I am trying to redeem myself in the eyes of the lorf by getting rid of all these ongodly fandoms," he replied through clenched teeth, returning to the elaborate blueprints and plans scattered around him in the tiny forest clearing they were hiding in. He had already attempted to explain his plan to get God to forgive him for all the heinous acts he committed as a Prayer Warrior to Ebony about forty-two times, but it didn't seem to be getting through her MCR-clouded brain.

"hoe will dis sac u frm eternal damnation?" Ebony pressed on, sitting cross-legged on the ground, "nd wont dis just be killing moar ppl? its stuipes."

"Your stupid!" Jerry snapped, and mentally berated himself for saying something so childish, "Their are otter factors."

"u dont hav any!" she yelled. Jerry picked up a blueprint of a Bloomsbury Publishing factory, and was prepared to throw it at Ebony when he heard a rustling in the bushes. Blueprints still in hand, he froze, hoping the person or animal or whatever it was would just pass by them peacefully.

Apparently Ebony had other ideas.

"Crookshanks!" Ebony yelled out, pointing her wand at the bushes. There was a small, feminine yelp of pain and a small girl, possibly eleven or twelve, with dirty blonde hair that reached her ankles came tumbling out of the greenery. Straightening up, she stared at Ebony for a few seconds, forehead scrunched, until she got a happy look of understanding in her eyes.

"o mi gudd iur an whiytch!1111111" the stranger said, pulling out a wand and waving it around hazardously, "im siii hsppi 2 meat u im jO bekke!111"

"Not another one," Jerry muttered, praying silently for salvation. Ebony crossed her arms over her barely-leather-clad chest.

"r u a fokin prep?" she said slowly, eyes narrowed. The blonde girl's jaw dropped.

"**NOOOOE! U HAZ A NURTHURN AXSENT UR SO ****!11" **she screamed, and Jerry winced, trying to shove leaves into his ears to block out the noise,** "WI DU YIO SETOOOOPED LIBERALS ECZUST U GO TO HELKL!1111111111111"**

Ebony gasped dramatically and raised her wand again, but Jerry stopped her before she could obliterate the newcomer.

"Wait, did you say you are not a liberal?" Jerry said, walking up to her slowly. She nodded.

"ya im a awshum sufherner," she sniffed. Jerry nodded understandingly.

"How wood you like to become a Prayer Warrior… Joe Beck, was it?"

"nu, jp belk," she corrected.

"Jep Bulk?" Jerry repeated, puzzled.

"jobil"

"Jawbill?"

"nu111!111 jo bel!111"

"Jo Belle?" he tried again, and she nodded. Jerry sighed with relief. "How wood you like to become a Prayer Warrior, Jo Belle?"

"okz" she replied with finality. Jerry smiled wanly at the girl. An ally was still an ally, no matter how bad their spelling was.

"how cum u nevr asjed me to b a prayr warrior?" Ebony squaked indignantly from somewhere behind them. Jerry ignored her.

"First we will need to get you baptized. I do not know weather you have been baptuzed before but it is better to be on the safe side," he explained, "Do you know of a good lake where I can baptize?"

Jo Belle nodded. "I no wehr." Jerry beamed.

"Take us there!"

Jo Belle took Jerry's hand in her own, and Ebony's as well, albeit reluctantly, and muttered an incantation. Soon they were in the middle of a large, dark cavern.

Jerry frowned.

"This doesn`t look like a lake…" he murmured. Ebony nodded. Jo Belle hissed at them to wait, or at least Jerry assumed she did, and the little group fell silent. They stood in that spot, unmoving, until they heard an angry yell from behind them.

"There they are!" a distinctly male voice cried out. They spun around just in time to see the mob from before fanning out and surrounding them, and at their head, Draco Malfoy.

"draco! how culd u do dis 2 me?" Ebony gasped.

"& mi!11" Jo Belle chimed in.

"And me," Jerry said angrily, "I thought you were an honorable Prayer Warrior."

"nd a goff!" Ebony added.

Draco stared at them. "A _what?_"

"Come on, it doesn't matter!" Grover Underwood said, going over to stand next to Draco, "Do you have any idea how many times I've been killed in that guy's series? Or how many times you died in the 'goff' girl's thing? I just wanna get this over with. Just put them someplace they can't terrorise us anymore!"

Draco nodded, and gestured to some mob members to grab the trio. Jo Belle flapped her arms and whined.

"butt i brung den in!1 donut i grt 2 go fri?"

Draco walked towards Jo Belle, and as he gently put a hand on her shoulder, he said one simple word.

"No."

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><p><strong>Spent an entire Saturday on this. I'm slightly ashamed of myself.<strong>

**Fun fact- the troll who wrote the original My Immortal fic wrote a commentary for "jO bekke at HUgwRts". You can find it on his (yes, _his_) profile, XXXmidnitegoffXXX, along with an easier-to-read (though less amusing) version of My Immortal, a full confession, and Pokemon and Lord of the Rings fics. **

**Todd Gilesbie, if you're reading this, I worship you.**


	3. and Turtle

**AN: I got a request to do this from the lovely KatiekkxD, and after reading the first twenty or so chapters of "imma wiserd", I just couldn't resist.**

**Soulja Spirit Buu Jackson, aka "Turtle" (I really don't know which one is his real name) is the main character in "imma wiserd", available in its full 83-chapters-and-counting glory on the original writer's profile, ravenretallishun, or with partial commentary anywhere else. "Hundreh" for more? The original writer also wrote a side story, starring Sherlock Holmes. **

**And since I'm accepting requests, I might as well open this- if you have a trollfic or badfic OC that you want to see Jerry and Ebony meet, tell me in a review, and I'll see whether the OC is worthy.**

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><p>And so it was that our three little monsters were dragged, kicking and screaming, into the darkest depths of the Underworld. Jerry was calling out to God at the tops of his lungs, Ebony was crying tears of blood, which her captor was trying unsuccessfully to avoid, and Jo Belle was snapping her fingers over and over again. When they were shoved into the same tiny room as before, Jerry turned to face Jo Belle. Before rational thought could catch up with him, he slapped her across the face.<p>

Hard.

"Why did you do this, you undogly whore?" he screamed at her, flecks of spittle flying from his mouth, "And why will you not stop snapping?"

"wen I snepz mi fingengers sumfink gud hpnz!" she wept, not stopping the incessant twitching of her thumb and middle finger. Jerry felt his rage level rise even more, if that were possible.

"Why in the name of God and his eternal begotten sun Jesus of Narrative would anything happen when you snap your-" he began, but suddenly the three of them were back in the clearing, as if nothing had happened, but this time a tall, dark-skinned boy around the same age as Jo Belle sat there, with a massive bucket of fried chicken and a generous slice of watermelon sitting next to him. Jo Belle ceased snapping, and the boy smiled widely.

"im turtke" he said cheerfully. Jerry wondered why he was attracting so many illiterates lately. It seemed God was punishing him tenfold. Jo Belle, albeit hypocritically, seemed to agree, if the dumbfounded expression on her face was anything to go by.

"im enoby dark'ness dementia raven way, dis iz jo bel, and dat is gary," Ebony said, introducing each of them in turn. Whether anyone had ever bothered to teach her stranger danger was beyond him.

"_Jerry_," he corrected through gritted teeth, throwing himself on the ground where his blueprints lay, hoping he could tune the rest out.

"ok, homy, i gunna-" Turtle began, before a bright purple shoe hit him squarely in the nose.

"OMG BLAK GAE NURTHURNOE DYYYYY!111" Jo Belle screeched.

"OMG RASIST!1" Turtle screeched back, throwing greasy hunks of fried chicken at the blonde. Soon, Jerry and Ebony were lying flat on the leaf-covered ground in a wild attempt to avoid the random insults and objects flying through the air.

"**BLAK!"**

"**CRACKER!"**

"**NURTHURNER!"**

"**WHITE NIGA!" (1) **

The slew of uncreative insults went on and on, and when Ebony offered Jerry a glittering black earbud with Good Charlotte streaming out of it, he found himself accepting.

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><p>Elsewhere, Michael Bay and Voldemort sat in the Gamemaker's room, contemplating their next move.<p>

"Alright, we've got a scatterbrained plot, a pathetic love interest, teleportation, and a kid spouting racial slang," mused Michael Bay, ticking them off on his fingers, "But there's something missing. Can you guess what it is?"

Voldemort's eyes glittered with amusement as he leaned forward in his chair, leering coldly at the filmmaker.

"Enlighten me."

"MOAR EXPLOSIONS!" Michael Bay roared, slamming his fist down on a big, red, shiny button.

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><p>The force of the blast knocked Turtle and Jo Belle back, and even pushed Ebony and Jerry back a few metres, but in a few seconds the only proof that there had been a blast at all was a single, burning tree. Jerry reverently knelt before it, taking off his shoes in the process.<p>

"O Lord, how may we due your bidding?" he said, seemingly ignoring the fact that the greenery around the tree was beginning to catch fire.

"wat r u ding?1" Ebony yelled, attempting to yank him back up.

"Do you not see? It`s a sign!" Jerry yelled, shaking her off. The heat was getting unbearable.

"dat aint nu sine!" Turtle yelled, "dat is

…

…

…

…

…

….

…

…

…

…

….

…

…

…

…

…

…

**UR DEATH!"**

Ebony gasped, and Jo Belle followed suit. Together, the three of them dragged Jerry up into a standing position, and with Ebony pulling him, they began to run. The flames were swiftly beginning to engulf the forest, and Jerry felt himself running in his sock-clad feet like he had never run before. Ebony was keeping up with him nicely, despite her tight skirt and ridiculous heels, and the other two were right behind him. As he began to see an opening through the densely- packed trees, Jerry heard an ominous cracking noise somewhere above him and sped up, and as he risked a glance behind him, he saw a hefty, flaming tree trunk fall where he had been mere seconds before, blocking Jo Belle and Turtle's paths and trapping them in the inferno. Biting back his inexplicable glee, he ran to a safe spot from the flames. As he collapsed, fighting for breath, he heard Ebony settling down next to him.

"did i get dem?" she panted, trying to breath through her tight corset-style top. Jerry rolled his head around to look at her.

"Do you mean you made that branch fall?" he questioned incredulously, eyes boring into her vivid blue ones. She nodded, her leather-clad chest rising up and down with each breath.

In that moment, Jerry could have kissed her.

Could have, but didn't.

Because he was Jerry of Christ, and Jerry of Christ was too pure to do something like that.

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><p><strong>(1) I did not enjoy using that.<strong>

**I rough-drafted all of this on a bumpy bus ride. I can barely read my own handwriting.**

**Anyway, I am finally done, make sure to send in requests, and Marquez Jackson… nice job.**


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